I appologize that I have not been posting regularly. I have been in my head and feelings.
I have been battling depression and anxiety. (For those of you who do not know, they are spirits. The spirit of depression. The spirit of anxiety. They have strong holds over us through conditioning. Conditioning from your upbringing or religious bondage. For me it has been both.
It feels like my entire world is crashing down around me. Yesterday was my wedding anniversary of 19 years, we are in the middle of a high conflict divorce and it is really taking a toll on me. Between the betrayal, the job loss, the uncertainty regarding my living situation... it is all too much to bear at times. I feel suffocated, stuck and insignificant.
I have to constantly remind myself the TRUTH. That God is truth and what He says about me is Truth. And His promises are TRUTH.
I have been trying to figure this ALL out on my own, to no avail. Instead, I feel depleated and defeated. But is that because I am supposed to surrender? Surrender it all to HIM? I really feel I have not other way. Everything I do just doesn't seem to be enough.
I am one of those people who GETTER' DONE! I am a go - getter. An overachiever, a perfomerer. I am realizing that I found my worth and value in the approval and validation of others. I lived for pats on the back, stars on the forehead and bozo buttons.
I have been deligently seeking employment - closed doors, ghosting and rejection after rejection.That really does something to someone like me. I feel worthless... I know I am not, but my love from everyone in my life has always been conditional love. I feel I must do in order to recieve. And I keep doing, but NOTHING is happening!! I really don't like this process.
I hear from others that He is pruning me and preparing me. And all I can do is think... how much longer? I just want to live a normal life. To work, make money, live comfortably and have freedom to explore the world. Instead I have debt, uncertainty and fear of the future consuming me. I feel like I am litteraly drowning.
I have NEVER been in this place. NEVER, it is a blow to my ego - I am better than this! Better than this meaning, I can't believe that I am in this situation... It is a self critical assessment. I am midlife, I imagined my life to look COMPLETELY different. Close to retirement... not rebuilding everything I ever known. Some say I should be excited... new begininngs. New beginings?! I am literally starting from square one like a child out of highschool. I am embarrassed.
However, one thing that has changed between now and then - my faith. My faith is what is keeping me alive, literally. Without it I would not be here.
My faith in GOD is getting stronger and stronger, day by day... moment by moment. Just when I feel I can't take this anymore He swoops in and saves the day. He has shown Himself to me. When I have not had a penny to my name - He has made a way. For the past 2 years, he has provided for me through side gigs, ideas, gifts of money through friends and family, miracles. And for that I am truly grateful. But if I'm honest, I don't feel I deserve it. Why? because I did not do anything in exchange to recieve it. I did not "work" for it. This "you matter simply because you exist" is quite the concept to wrap my head around. It feels so foreign. Yet, God is so loving... He KNOWS I struggle with that and he little by little has been showing and proving that I am loved, seen and valued just because "I am". I am HIS. I carry his name: "I am Monica". He promised in His written word that He would never leave nor forsake me. Aka abandon me. And He keeps proving it over and over and over again to me. He wants me to rest in his promises - meaning to TRUST in Him. To lean on him, to believe in him to take refuge in him, to take Him at his word and deed.
I have had so many people betray me and make promises and not keep them. I have been let down. God knows that. That is why He is helping me to strengthen my faith, little by little like working out a muscle He is providing for me. My JEHOVAH JIREH
Jesus taught in Mathew 6:25-34 to not be anxious about daily needs like food and clothing.
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink...
your Father knows what you need before you ask him.
"This, then, is how you should pray:
"Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one."
DAILY BREAD - The Father KNOWS what we need BEFORE we ask him.
He wants us to rely on him for EVERTHING. That feels like weakness to me. I have been taught to work hard, hustle, grind, push... and He tells us to Trust and Rest. He KNOWS that is so hard for me, therefore he keeps putting me in situations that force me to Trust and Rest because he knows I will not do it on my own. He is not trying to punish me, although at times it feels like that...He is helping me to take baby steps so I can WALK BOLDLY in FAITH.
The struggle is real, but so is GOD!